Cross you out

Maybe she truly did just love the idea of him, and in another life their friendship was deep enough to last. They’d grow old together, living out in the woods with her garden and him and all his guns and toys. She’d write her books, watching the trees sway in the wind and the birds chirp. But she couldn’t imagine wanting it with him anymore; she couldn’t imagine wanting him at all anymore. The realization of abusing boundaries she allowed him to cross were finally the blaring red flags in her mind they always should’ve been.

She just couldn’t allow her story to end with an alcoholic boy without a license; it wasn’t all in her head, it wasn’t just a funny feeling in her stomach. It was a warning, the faces her friends would make when they’d hang out. The butterflies weren’t butterflies at all, the nervous feeling was dread knowing the reality of him.

And now he’s found someone else, slowly replacing every memory of her. Until every dream they had together was gone, and he’d be building a new future with a blonde girl quite the opposite of everything she is. A blonde girl with a truck, never wears a dress or a stitch of makeup, everything she isn’t. Does it hurt? No, for she could only laugh because everything she offered was ten times more than anyone else could give him.

Trying to pretend that trip to Maine could ever replace the vacation they spent together in Cape Cod. Posting on Facebook, he’s in a relationship when he could never ever friend her in the year they spent together. Everything they had changed each other forever; funny how it works.

And that leaves her with a bad man’s name tattooed across her leg and the emotional damage left behind, so she’d grab the tattoo pen and ink a line through his name. She wouldn’t dare cover it, couldn’t forget the pain he caused and the love they shared. But she could and would put a line through his name, erasing the control he had over her and implanting in her head that he’d be gone forever. She could move on and still remember, still cherish parts, and mourn others, condemn his behavior, and learn her own worth.

Remember everything’s going to be alright, just be patient with yourself. She’d think of it often and how she was blessed to be able to explore love as a woman at all, even with the consequences. She was free to make her own choices and make her own mistakes, all leading her to the place she needed to be all along.