Country Boy’s

I’m left here to ponder the dichotomy of having a situationship with someone quite the opposite of myself and so called beliefs. We’ve all seen the girls who are gorgeous, recycle their waste, try to be eco-conscious, eat healthy, take care of themselves, have compassion for all walks of life, and when you meet their boyfriends, confusion is the only word that comes to mind. Where I’m from, it’s the backwoods, beer-drinking, hunting, shit-kicker-wearing, often ignorant to political correctness, and insensitive, big-truck-driving men that these girls are with. The dichotomy of such a relationship is something I’ve always wondered about and as a masculine queer-presenting person, always confused the shit out of me. As the tides have turned and estrogen has entered my body, time and time again, I find myself falling into the habit of obsessing over such a man. No one is ever the same. I can’t say they are all alike by any means, but they all share  common characteristics I like to categorize as the Vermonter boys. Occasionally, there’s a New Hampshire guy in the mix, but most of the men seem to be the men I once thought I’d never speak a word to, and now they are in my pants, kissing me while we drink beer in his lifted truck. What is it that led to this change of heart, you may ask? I still seem to be entirely lost to the reason why as I navigate yet another situationship. How they seem to be the most respectful yet ignorant people I’ve met fascinates me deeply, and I’m left feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand, their knowledge of the mechanics of old trucks and old-school vehicles beats any educated man I’ve experienced. Their ability to live off the land, understanding wildlife and habitats, makes you forget they have little formal education. Watching a man go fishing, catch, gut, and cook their own food is wildly more appealing than you city kids might think. So maybe in part it is the Vermonter in me as it is my roots, but the simplicity of life is something more of us should experience and appreciate. Yet the world beyond is something I want to also expose them to. They never fuck you on the first date. As a matter of fact, when he took me out to sit in his truck and drink beers for our first date, we sat for eight hours just being together, sometimes in silence as we just enjoyed each other’s company. There is something to be said when you can enjoy sitting in silence with someone. Sometimes nothing needs to be said. I’m, however, so unused to being treated respectfully and far more comfortable with being seen as an object because at least I know my purpose, which is pleasing the man I’m currently chasing. When I just have to exist as myself with someone lacking much of the physicality, I am left confused. Maybe I’ve just never started out creating the bond of a friendship with a man and instead started off with their dick in my mouth, which has led me to feeling used time after time. I have to say it was a refreshing experience to just be with someone without having to feel like I need to be useful in some way with my body. Yet I tie all of my use and affection to needing to be sexual with the person I am seeing. It’s only been twenty days, but I’m still getting used to the fact I am more than all that. The trauma of feeling like love only comes from getting fucked is something I need to untwist in my brain and start seeing relationships in another light. To think I’d try to be casual and go with the flow when a bitch like me, filled with estrogen and the urge to be a slut, is overwhelming has left me feeling a duality of two sides of what I could have in life. Will I continue to let men who understands me and fetishizes my trans identity leave me feeling used yet useful or fall for the “uneducated” country boy that’s respectful, peaceful, a simple man who wants to adventure in life with someone like me, yet I don’t know if he can ever grasp fully the full extent of the being I am? Where does this leave me? Truthfully, I don’t have any answers, mostly just more questions, but as for now, I think I’ll enjoy a beer with a boy in a truck in the snowy backroads of Vermont, listening to rock music, laying my head in his lap, enjoying the simplicity of it all, dreaming of driving across the country and camping under the stars anyway from all the lights and civilization.