Occupying a permanent space in her mind

For weeks, she finally put it out of her head, erased the space occupying her mind of him. Days passed, and she wouldn’t see a glimpse of him at all. Each break where she’d walk by that room, she didn’t even get a peak at his face. She felt at ease and could just focus on her work. Each mindless day, she’d be able to let the day drag along without an obsessive thought floating around her head.

Maybe it was finally all over, she thought to herself. The day came, her obsession subsided, and she’d no longer feel in danger of home wrecking a marriage, an unhappy marriage but still a union of two people she didn’t have any intentions of truly wanting to destroy. For she never did want to ruin any such relationship; her only thought was always finding a friend in him and hoping to be there for him in some way so he didn’t feel the urge to no longer exist. She thought she could do some good, bring some light into his world, but it would turn into a mix of confusing feelings.

Her lust for him and maybe his for her would overpower the friendship they had, leading them into a dangerous road that seemingly had no chance of a positive outcome. This is how it always was for her, getting in over her head, thinking at first what she was doing was an innocent thing.

October came, and all those conflicting feelings crashed right through her again. She found herself back in the room with him every day at work. She’d have to hear those keys jingle on his belt loop and listen to the melancholy drag of his feet. There were at least five people that wore keys on their belt loops, but somehow, with a peak behind her, she could always differentiate which was him. Never once had she had it and not known when he was walking by. She’d see him catch a glance of her when he was getting water at the other side of the room.

When he’d be working right behind her, she felt his stare burn a hole into her, and it drove her beyond crazy. She felt she might be losing her mind, knowing they were so close yet the closeness they once had would be no more. After one drunken night and exchanging messages demanding inappropriate things, it could never be the same again. They fell out weeks later after flirting and hinting at wanting to hang out after work someday. But it all came to nothing.

And as she thought it was all over and he might never think of her again, and she’d hoped the same for herself the last week, it proved differently. Her eyes glued to him like that first week of seeing him and not being able to look away from him. She’d be back to what felt like those teenage-like obsessions of him, and with the weight of now knowing the whole situation, she could only hate herself more for feeling such a way. She was angry with herself, she’d hoped she’d never have to see him again, and yet couldn’t help but always steal looks in his direction.

What an awful situation truly, for if she was the shitty younger version of herself, she probably would’ve sucked him off by this point. She wouldn’t have felt such guilt, she could’ve convinced herself of doing good for him, deserved the love lips could provide, and if his wife didn’t, then someone ought to. But old enough to know better now, she couldn’t convince herself of any such amiable qualities in herself. She only saw the evil in her behaviors.

Nothing good could come from her obsession, and yet she couldn’t pull herself away from him. Stuck in a state of confusion, she seemingly suffered for an eternity in this way.

Forever, he’d occupy some space in her mind.