Retired Whore

At times I wonder was it worth it all? Can being a whore be gratifying to fulfill a void of lifetime loneliness and daddy issues? I think we all know the answer is always no.

So why do we do it anyway? Hoping every time they kiss you your heart will slowly start to fill in the cracks but really it only mangles it up more. Every time they stretch you out and tell you, you’re the best I’ve ever had it’s like that ego boost is supposed to sustain you like nutrients.

After a while it becomes a pattern, part an addiction to feel anything, part a hope that’ll it’ll lead to a friendship that will add substance to an empty soul. Occasionally you’ll find a friendship with someone who listens every once in a while and treats you decently after they blow your back out but then they’ll ignore you until they’re horny again and a week passes, you feel empty again and can’t wait for the validation they may or may not provide.

So you do it all over again, see a guy cute enough to give a chance, see him across the bar when you’re slightly tipsy and walk down an alleyway with him dropping on your knees thinking “this one will be better than the last” the delusion that comes from desperation and loneliness is truly unmatched.

I’ve been that girl and seen it night after night when drunk girls open up to you after complimenting your fit. They tell you all they want is some cute guy to even notice them and the attention they receive they think will provide some sort of gratification that’ll make them feel better about themselves.

Although it really never works, can’t say I really ever met a half decent man in a bar while drunk, nothing that made me feel any better about myself that is. And the one college boy I ended up half liking treating me like a whore and gave me the ick so hard until months of sucking him dry started paying off and he danced with me on the dance floor of Red with a broken foot. Walked all the way to see me.

So it’s not all terrible. But my wondering has led me to believe a wholesome connection starts with a friendship. A person you see for who they are, not a fantasy of how hot it’d be on your knees for them. If you want to please them and give it up easy, most likely that’s all they will see you as…easy. Easy to get when they’re horny, a booty call on a weekend night after they’ve come home and feel lonely themselves.

So stop chasing boys in bars. Start chasing memories with people worth remembering.